The Young Winos’ eleventh-hour endorsements: No on 5, Yes on 8, Calero for President

By Jesse on November 3, 2008

Recently there have been complaints about certain political ads appearing in the sidebar of the Young Winos website. While the Young Winos have nothing to do with these ads, and do not necessarily agree with their content, we thought it might be helpful to clarify our stance on several pressing issues of the day. As the beer-vs-wine map below clearly shows, California is a wine state, and the Young Winos feel a certain responsibility to offer endorsements of candidates and ballot initiatives that will serve the interests of our membership. Below are our three endorsements for the 2008 general election.

04-28-wine-beer-track-states.jpg

No on 5. This initiative would offer treatment for drug offenders, rather than prison time… a plan which looks positive on the surface. However, it would also make possession of less than an ounce of marijuana an infraction, rather than a misdemeanor — a move that would invariably encourage more small-time users (many of them young people) to smoke pot with increased impunity and frequency. This, in turn, would dilute our membership base, as more young people turned from white and red to sticky green. Vote no.

Yes on 8. This initiative would define marriage as between a man and a woman, thus effectively banning gay marriage in California. Weddings, as we all know, tend to be grand and indulgent affairs, where wine is poured with reckless abandon. Increasing the number of weddings by including the homosexuals in the marraige-eligible pool would only result in a net increase in demand for wine. This, in turn, would drive up prices. And who’s affected most by rising wine prices? Young people, whether straight or gay. Vote yes.

Róger Calero for President. Throughout the course of their campaigns, neither Barack Obama or John McCain have made any clear statements alluding to their positions on wine issues concerning the twenty-something demographic; therefore, this organization is unable to offer its endorsement to either of them. Instead, we’re left only to endorse Róger Calero of the Socialist Workers Party, who we feel is the candidate most likely to nationalize the wineries and distribute wine in a more egalitarian fashion, “to each according to his needs.” As we all know, the Young Winos’ “need” for bountiful quantities of inexpensive wine is pretty high. Elect Calero to the office of President, and the streets will run red with Screaming Eagle.

Go off and vote, Winomerica. And never forget, the Young Winos are always looking out for you.

(Disclaimer: the views above do not represent in any way the opinions of the larger Young Winos membership; rather, they merely reflect the views of Jesse Porter at 11:30pm after three-quarters of a bottle of Aglianico.)

4 Comments »

  1. This is complete bullshit. Everyone knows that you don’t drink Aglianico after Labor Day.

    What kind of wino are you anyway?

    Comment by Andrew Lang — November 4, 2008 @ 2:06 am

  2. 20/20 Wines has a 3000L bottle of Screaming Eagle for $28,000. How’s that for socialism?

    Comment by jasonm1 — November 4, 2008 @ 10:10 am

  3. Ha to funny. Don’t forget my new bullet train to Napa. Anything to get to wine country as fast as Japanese are able to get to kereoke bars.

    Comment by Dylan Conroy — November 4, 2008 @ 7:11 pm

  4. I can’t believe that both of my ballot initiative endorsements passed!

    Jeez… I guess there’s no room for sarcasm in political discourse. People take everything you say completely seriously. (Good thing Calero wasn’t on the official presidential ballot in California, or else Obama… well, no, I guess Obama would’ve been fine.)

    Comment by Jesse — November 5, 2008 @ 2:47 pm

Leave a comment